Once upon a time there was a boy named Hansel and a girl named Gretel. They were feared throughout the forest. They tortured wolves and vandalized the sweet old witch's gingerbread cottage while she slept her afternoon naps. The two lived with their father, a woodsman who loved his children more than anything else in the world, except women. But his third wife was a wicked woman with an obsessive compulsion for cleanliness who made all their lives miserable. She even forced them to sleep outdoors in the cold draft because she didn't want her perfectly made beds mussed up. One day the father returned from a stalk in the woods. He had spied a new girl, litheness clothed in a taut red riding costume, and wanted desperately to be together with her, but his wife was in the way. Knowing full well the children were listening, he remarked casually to his misanthropic partner, "How about finally taking those swimming lessons?" For they cultivated a deep pond in their back yard. That afternoon the children left a messy trail of bread crumbs all the way from the house to where the dock ended, concealed themselves behind a tree and waited. Before long the stepmother appeared to compulsively gather up the crumbs. When she reached the edge of the dock Hansel and Gretel rushed out and shoved her as hard as they could into the pond. She drowned. The happy children strolled back to the house to ask their father for ice cream.

Story #121