Tuesday, May 03, 2005


The men arrived armed to the hilt. Sometimes it was necessary. This time the neighbors had called. Strange thumping sounds were heard coming from the apartment, and that could have only one meaning: The microwave oven had gammaed. That was what they called it when the oven, instead of cooking its contents, flushed waves of radioactive poison into its food target. For decades everyone had presumed the microwave ovens to be innocuous boxes, but they were wrong. The deadly contraptions were biding their time, planning the next cooking revolution. One bite of a so-cooked TV dinner was enough to turn anyone into a mindless mutant. Then they'd run around berserk in their apartment, making thumping sounds. The authorities had assembled commando squads to round up all the microwave ovens. Public service announcements imploring people to use crock pots and toasters were plastered into TV news programs and newspapers, but most people never watched the news or read the paper. Unless the message was worked into one of the popular sitcoms, there was no chance of it ever being seen. Agent Meier of the microwave decommissioning squad surveyed the situation, tiptoed quietly into the kitchen, removed the deadly apparatus and tiptoed back out. Meier was glad he had the mask. Otherwise the couple making love on the kitchen table might have seen him blushing.

Story #209

10 comments:

The Mushroom said...

They'll never see him coming in that camoflage. The mask and weapon blind into the night, the suit blends in with the snow, and the yellow symbol makes him look inconspicuous among the surplus CDROM drives. Together, he is invincible. The only hitch is that his mom won't let him out of the house.

maki said...

saving the world during sextime... now that's heroism.

A.T. said...

This is obviously fiction. I say obviously because this part gives up the game: "Unless the message was worked into one of the popular sitcoms, there was no chance of it ever being seen." Given that microwaves had already been invented by the time of Seinfeld, and further that Seinfeld had an uncanny ability to reveal all hidden truths, then it is inconceivable that Seinfeld - "one of the popular sitcoms" - would not have provided the necessary warning to the masses.

Oh wait ... what if Larry David owned stock in GE? Or Panasonic? Well, there goes my theory. I guess it's 'toaster oven time' for me.

Indeterminacy said...

With this story I think I have stumbled onto something. It's all a massive cover up. Do a google search for "microwave ovens" dangerous and you'll find an article all about it:
http://www.laleva.cc/environment/microwave.html

It's reproduced all over the place but the organization they credit it to has vanished from the face of the Earth! I hope I am here tomorrow.

OK, I don't know the significance of this. All I know is I have a funny feeling everytime I use the microwave.

Cori said...

OMG! That is sooooo funny!!!!

I've had a number of stoner roomates in my time and have had just as many of "microwave" arguments.

Could there be a cover-up? naaaaaa.

(Still - and I'll go to the grave with this - NOTHING WILL HAPPEN IF YOU OPEN THE DOOR BEFORE THE BEEP GOES OFF!!!!!)

LiVEwiRe said...

Yeah, the guy might have been blushing beneath his mask but I'm guessing the microwave was loving every second of the couples escapade!!!

Jamie Dawn said...

Your ending brought to mind a movie my mom, daughter, and I love called, "Where the Heart Is," starring Natalie Portman and Stockard Channing.
Stockard plays a godly, Bible-believing woman and she takes Natalie in. Stockard prays aloud at every meal and on a couple of occasions says, "And dear Lord, please forgive me for the fornication that Bob and I partook of earlier today on this very table." The scene is priceless. She's a goodhearted woman with a bit of sin now and then that needs confessing.

Indeterminacy said...

I'm sitting here eating my microwave popcorn, enjoying all the comments, and wondering what tomorrow's story will be.

Cori: I thought I was the only one who wondered about microwaves. And I'm glad this made you laugh. I wasn't too sure about the story this morning.

Livewire: You're right! And I should have thought about that. What a rude awakening to be taken away just like that, right in the middle of things.

Jamie: That movie sounds like fund. I'll go see if Courtney has a review on it!

annush said...

i found this post terrifying and hillarious at the same time.
I've always been somewhat sketched out by microwaves...only god knows what paranoia i'll develop now...

D said...

Good story - very creative! I enjoyed reading it. I got a kick out of your story over the weekend as well!
BTW, thanks for stopping by my site. I was glad to read your comment.