Tuesday, May 03, 2005
The men arrived armed to the hilt. Sometimes it was necessary. This time the neighbors had called. Strange thumping sounds were heard coming from the apartment, and that could have only one meaning: The microwave oven had gammaed. That was what they called it when the oven, instead of cooking its contents, flushed waves of radioactive poison into its food target. For decades everyone had presumed the microwave ovens to be innocuous boxes, but they were wrong. The deadly contraptions were biding their time, planning the next cooking revolution. One bite of a so-cooked TV dinner was enough to turn anyone into a mindless mutant. Then they'd run around berserk in their apartment, making thumping sounds. The authorities had assembled commando squads to round up all the microwave ovens. Public service announcements imploring people to use crock pots and toasters were plastered into TV news programs and newspapers, but most people never watched the news or read the paper. Unless the message was worked into one of the popular sitcoms, there was no chance of it ever being seen. Agent Meier of the microwave decommissioning squad surveyed the situation, tiptoed quietly into the kitchen, removed the deadly apparatus and tiptoed back out. Meier was glad he had the mask. Otherwise the couple making love on the kitchen table might have seen him blushing.