Monday, October 10, 2005

Tina Dupuy (one of the funniest ladies in the world) contributed this photo. Thanks Tina!

The new reality sitcom was one of those brilliant ideas Tina thought up in her sleep. She dangled dozens of miniature Webcams from a fleet of helium-filed balloons that followed her around wherever she went. She brought her boyfriend Brian along as a living laugh track so that the comically-challenged would know when to laugh. Her dog Clyde played straight man, though he was quite a sit-up comedian in his private life. He sometimes disappeared for days on end, doing shows at pounds and other benefits, and occasionally rescuing cats trapped in trees, just like his hero Lassi would have done. Apart from being funny, the show had everything that an artfully lived real life could offer: drama, love, poignancy and great sex. It won dozens of Emmys, which Clyde invariably buried in Tina's back yard. The series was cancelled 11 seasons into its run, after global warming popped all the balloons. That's 77 in dog years.

Story #290

Thanks to everyone who contributed stories. They will be reposted at (I'm two months behind in selecting the monthly prizes - sorry. Will do that shortly). Incidentally, time picked up again. Just had to wind my watch.

Original post:
In case you haven't followed my last posts, time has been slowing down steadily at my side of the blog since sometime last week. Post showed up later and later, although to me it seemed like they were on time. According to my watch it just turned Saturday, so I decided to post the photo for the weekend story. However my calculations show that it should be Sunday at this time. Something strange has definitely transpired with the space-time continuum. It could be the Indeterminacy Nebula Tom & Icy mentioned in their comment. Or maybe it's that curse Mr. Bananas over at Pansifiles put on me. At this point I'd even believe that the ghost of Ambrose Bierce is involved.

P.S. For more story fun, go visit Michael at Ripple Me This and participate in the Friday Photo Fun.


Indeterminacy said...

Hi, I received this story submission via e-mail from Scottish Toodler. I'm reposting it here for everyone else to read:

I had for many years been trying to escape the life cycle I had been forced into. Sometimes, when one is able to be exceptionally forgiving or exceptionally helpful, one's life cycle is reassigned. This was my case.

I had at one time been an ordinary dog, and I had loved my master and mistress very much. Like all dogs I did not know anything about their lives or their "goodness" beyond what was extended to me.

I had been the last dog that the mistress has held before she swallowed her fateful pills, and the last dog that the master had ruffled the fur of, and then smoothed back into place a few times. I'd wanted to rest my head against the master's knee, but he'd pushed me away, and then shot himself. He did not have the patience of my mistress to wait for the pills to do their work.

Later, some of us had been fostered, but we were always moving and eventually I died of dehydration, after one of my later adopted owners had been executed and never returned to his home. It was at that time that I was summoned to the on-going Tribunal of my mistress.

Almost nothing had been left of my first master and mistress that could be redeemed. Even the normally neutral Tribunal had been unable to comprehend the atrocities my owners had unleashed upon the earth, and how deeply the master had altered humanity.

In fact, the only thing that the Tribunal could find on which to try either of them was their affection for my species. And because I had been the last one they had touched, I had been summoned from my sweet and undisturbed sleep.

I'd spent the next two of my lifetimes as one of two rottweilers owned by a nice (non-practicing) Jewish couple in North America. The other rottweiler was my former mistress. Next I accompanied her as one of two shepard dogs owned by a half Turkish, half german, lesbian living just outside of Berlin. And so on, and so forth.

Today, I had finally made my escape. This couple, quite bland in appearance, are intellectuals and avid students of the Holocaust. Because they bear such a horror not just of the master, but of the mistress also, she must suffer their affection as the lightest of her many eternal sentences.

I, however, having learned her true nature, have asked the Tribunal on each occasion of my death, to release me from this contract. I have asked to return to the loyal and loving ignorance of a regular dog. Each time I have been refused.

Caught again, I can only hope my story will inspire other canine's to love more wisely and not as well. Not just for being bound to such a mistress beyond one lifetime, but also, because I cannot bear the little sweaters the woman keeps knitting for me. This is the only photograph of me where I am not wearing one, and only because I'd been able to escape. Alas, not far enough...My torture as Eva Braun's companion continues.


-G.D. said...

this blog is getting very strange...

I actually understood everything.

Scottish Toodler said...

No GD, I've probably just infiltrated with my non-avant garde normalcy. That's all. Once the space time continuum stretches back into place and our absent host returns the Surreal will dominate once again.

Jamie Dawn said...

Well that was certainly deep. I'd say the Scottish Toodler has a VERY fertile mind. Way to go!!

Unknown said...

I came over from Shtikl! to see your blog. It's everything he said it was. Your stories are a writer's delight--refreshing, intelligent, and playful in just the right measure.
Thank you for a delightful read.

The Mushroom said...

Buster was a lucky pup, sure, but cleaning his tracheotomy required two people -- one to hold his head up and body still, and another to do the work. His barks were almost comical.

Ariel the Thief said...

c'mon, is time important or what?

Unknown said...

sorry that i was late in dropping by^^ had been REALLY busy. anyhoo, i really loved your stories. prolly one of the more interesting speciality blogs I've come across.

Unknown said...

Yikes, where have I been. Ambrose was looking at you kind of funny last weekend. Probably the ghost.

Unknown said...

Well, if it isn't too late...

Arnie the 2x4 had lain on a lot of sidewalks. He'd fallen off any number of shabby constructions, most recently the scaffold the window washer was standing on. It was a life of endless slapstick comedy and he wouldn't have traded it for anything. As the young couple made jokes at the expense of the fallen corpse and scratched their dog, Arnie wondered where next a man would call on him for support.

The banned Gift-Giver said...

i'm a novice in the depths of the blogger world - thank you for the link to my blog ;) it is quite flattering to be on the link list at one of the most imaginative and intelligent blogs of all

here is my contribution to your pic:

Amigo was no ordinary dog. Even as a puppy it was clear that he wasn't like the other dogs, but it took some time before he was able to use his special powers. It wasn't easy living with these gifts, nevertheless he was chosen and he was conscious of the utmost importance of his task. But he still considered it unfair that he had to save the world in secret - Superman, Batman, even Underdog all had their costumes and were recognized and celebrated as superheros. The only recognition he received was for fetching sticks. The hugs from Sally & Billy were pleasant, but the fact that he just destroyed a fleet of invading aliens from outer space with his laser eyes, thereby saving the world from Armaggedon, remained one of the secrets that he had to live with in his modesty. Who says that the life of a superhero has to be glamerous? That only happens in movies.

Indeterminacy said...

Scottish Toodler: That was such a cool story. I loved it. I wish I could create such an ominous mood with my stories. Guess it's that word "tribunal". It always seemed scary to me.
Maybe if I had some pyschotherapy this blog could actually approach normal.

Hey Me Strauss: Thank you for the kind compliment. Now that I'm back and hope to be posting somewhat regularly for a while, I hope you'll have time to follow whatever happens next.
P.S. The afterlife has got to be pretty f***ing incredible if it's going to top all these beautiful and intelligent women stopping by here and leaving such nice comments.

Mush: thanks for the classic Mushroom story. Which reminds me, I'll have to pop over to your site and read your monthly captions. So should everyone else! Laughter is the Spackle of the Soul

Ariel: I wish I had more time to read all the blogs I link to. :-(

Ayihs_: Thank you.

Doug: I'll leave some comments at Waking Ambrose. Maybe that will appease the angry spirits. And thanks for the story!

Sylphidine: Thanks for leaving such a great story here. I'm sure there are lots of unsung heros out there, like the guy who has to think up those strange word verification words all day long. That can't be easy, and nobody ever thanks him. I hope you get lots of visitors at your new blog.

Ariel the Thief said...

good story! I like the dog too.

Indeterminacy said...

Thanks Ariel, *woof*

Tina D. said...

Hi all. That's me in the photo. Nice stories!

If youre curious, the real story is here.