Wednesday, March 29, 2006

I have been extremely distraught since learning that A Little Bar of Soap has "died in her home", as posted at her blog. The shock has left me unable to write, which is why I did not post a story today. But it now seems that there is more to this than meets the eye. Could LBOS have been murdered? Is she still alive? Or worse? An international investigation is now underway by Inspector Poirot and a team of Miss Americas and psychics to uncover the details of this horrible crime and apprehend the perpetrator(s). Suspects have already been interrogated at their blogs, and I suppose we will soon learn what has happened. Agatha Christie is a great writer.

I wish to assist Poirot with the investigation and have therefore minutely examined the obituary notice. This examination has uncovered various discrepancies.

If you look closely at the obituary newspaper, you see print in the background. This would obviously be the article on the other side of the page. If you look closer, however, you see that this print is not mirrored as one would expect and that it furthermore spells nothing but gibberish. I have circled what is clearly the letter "C" which is not backwards as it should be.

If this were a legitimate scan of a newspaper, this lettering we see in the background would have to have been reversed, and would have to form recognizable text, which it does not.

An investigation of the newspapers of Topeka, Kansas turns up further discrepancies. There are two newspapers in Topeka. The main one, "The Topeka Capital-Journal", uses block print and not the gothic lettering of the forgery. Here are variations of that newspaper's logo:

The other Topeka newspaper is "The Topeka Metro News" - an independent newspaper which emphasizes the Metro News in its title, and also uses a different lettering.

It goes without saying that Little Bar of Soap would not be caught dead in an Independent Newspaper.

I find no similarity in the "newspaper" of the alleged "obituary" to any existing Topeka, Kansas newspaper. Furthermore there is no "Evangelical Church of Christ" listed in Topeka, Kansas - the church where the supposed services have been held. Nor is there a "Reverend Arthur Schutz" (0 hits in Google).

Taken together, this proves conclusively that the obituary is a cheap fake, as is the memorial service. If these were expensive fakes, someone should demand a refund. All of this gives me the hope that I may one day be able to write again.


Tan Lucy Pez said...

I see a clue about the Little Bar of Soap that we had all missed. She's revealed in the obit post. But I've decided to let each and everyone discover it for themselves. (I am not the Little Bar BTY.)

NOW, who the heck is this Inspector Poirot? I HAVE to know!

Poirot said...

My intelligent Madame Lucy Pez, everything will be revealed in time.

At your service,
Hercule Poirot

Sir Indeterminacy, I see you have done an excellent investigation on the sticky soapy matter. I therefore grant you access to the "Black Mustache Academy" as a honary member!

Bloggers, unite for the memory of the sweet bubbling little bar of soap.

Indeterminacy said...

TLP: Thanks for the tip. I'm going to study both the obituary and the service broschure much closer. I hate to think I missed a clue!

Poirot: Thank you, Mr. Inspector, for including me in the Academy. I consider it an honor. I'm going to bed now and sleep on this.

cooper said...

You all make me laugh.
I needed that with all the work I have piled up.

My dog was named Agatha Christie - Aggie for short of course but I am rather fond of the characters introduced to me when I was very young.

Your intelligence is profound.

Synchronicity Evangelist said...

I echo: "your intelligence is profound."

Indeterminacy said...

Cooper and Full of Love: It goes against my nature to contradict two charming ladies, such as yourselves, but couldn't you want me for my body? A little?

Are you sure you commented on the right post?

Doug said...

Indie, I have reviewed your work and found some errors. The "C" you feel you've uncovered is not a "C" but a fang mark. The paper was "fetched" by a dog. The killer has at least one dog.

Second, The Topekan is a community newspaper of "The Intelligent Designers," a community near Salinas which instructs all members to use alternative identities and addresses to demonstrate the errors in "science" as practiced in the modern world. The killer has identity issues.

I think maybe, Monsieur Poirot should take a closer look at Tom.

Indeterminacy said...

Hmmmm. Interesting observations, Doug. I notice that you also have a dog photo in your blogger profile. Why is he hiding his teeth?

Gerard valz said...

I have to say I was shocked and surprised by the news of LBOS' death, I called Jacques Chirac to gather information about this dreadful event and he gave me the true facts in his possession:
LBOS was seen in Paris just two days ago,in Charles de Gaulle Airport to be precise, he was seen buying a ticket to French Riviera at the Air Lavanda's desk.
I decided to go and check in Nice Airport to learn if he got there alright and after consulting immigration it seems clear enough that LBOS is alive and spends some vacation on the Riviera near Cannes, so I drove to Cannes and checked by the police station
(commissariat)where I learned that LBOS was held in custody for attacking eleven young women on the beach (they wore topless bathing suits and he didn't agree)
It's said that he beat them with a camel whip while shouting "Filth..filth" over and over.That's all I know.Cheers all.

Indeterminacy said...

Thank you Gerard, I will pass this news on to Inspector Poirot. I think you really must have seen LBOS. It is a common mistake to take her for a man, due to her extremely non-feminine appearance.

Indicidentally, I recall from LBOS's meme about a perfect partner, that it should be someone who has never been out of the USA. So it is extremely telling that LBOS should turn up in France as I believe she would never leave America of her own free will!

A Little Bar of Soap said...

Indie, I must say, I'm very touched. I had no idea that you cared so much about me!

But your concern is unnecessary. I am in Heaven with my Father.

Indeterminacy said...

Little Bar: I know you thought I was a sinner, but to take you away from us, that is a very great sin, indeed. I will do everything in my power to help Inspector Poirot find the fiend(s) that did this to you. But I'm glad you're having a nice time up there.

AP3 said...

The Little Bar is "touched", all right.

ariel said...

did that happen in the Heaven?

ariel said...

Indie, I am looking at you with a brand new admiration! what a clever detective you are! I would say, since the newspaper is damaged, someone put that on a chair before they stepped on it to water some plants or reach for something on a high shelf. so the person who owns that piece of newspaper is small!

Indeterminacy said...

Ariel: I bow before the great mind of Monseur Inspector Poirot. I read that obituary again and again but could find no other clues, as Tan Lucy Pez suggested. I even checked the travel distance between Topeka and Cullen Village (about ten minutes / 8 miles), and Little Bar's age checks out with the birth years and dates. Lucy: if you know something, please share it with Inspector Poirot! Otherwise the killer might try to silence you next!!

Today I broke down sobbing at Jamie's blog. She had a post about how to clean tender areas. It would have meant so much to Little Bar to read that.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Well, the clue isn't IN the obit, but on the site. Hidden in plain view...only you can't see it.

Go back...there's another BIGGER, more easily seen clue on Soapy's site. If you don't see it, I give up!

dddragon said...

There's something different about Soapy's photo on her blog, but I can't quite put my finger on it ...

Poirot said...

I have unveiled the aparent mystery. But do not be fooled! It is another trick of the wicked hacker that has taken cotrol of soapys blog! Or worse... the devil who posessed soapy!