Thursday, July 19, 2007
Ten year old Max was cleverer than Swatches in a cuckoo clock. He tackled IQ tests in ten minutes flat, obtaining perfect scores with one hand while beating the last level on his Nintendo DS with the other. He was so clever there was really no way to tell how clever he was, because no one had ever seen the likes of it before. So they gave up trying. "I want to invent things," the wunderkind stated one day out of the blue.
"He's clever," they said, "Give him everything he wants." And so they gave him a laboratory. It took him twenty minutes to work out the principle of time travel and prove it with a device that could transcend linear chronology.
"Wow!" everyone exclaimed.
The principle was simple: a perpetual motion energy field influenced by variably poled magnets.
"Aha," everyone said, quite confusedly, "But It's cute how he built it in the form of a 1920's Buick."
From his first journey in the years he brought back two of his future, older selves, one 15, the other 25. He dressed them up like Chicago gangsters to match the car.
"How sweet," everyone commented, "let him do it!"
He also set his future selves to work, each building a new time contraption and journeying off to snatch back further twins from the timeline who in turn began the process all over again.
"Ohhhhh, ahhhhhh," everyone noted with astonishment, "it's exponential."
By now there were hundreds of thousands of Maxes, each a unique instance from some point in time, population doubling and trebling by the moment.
"Hey," everyone noted with sudden consternation, "maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all."
But it was too late. Max opened up a dead end milliminute in a skipped chronological beat and transfered every man woman and child that wasn't him smack dab into the middle of it.
"Hey," they all nodded, "this looks very much like a cornfield."
But it was the beginning of the end. The youngest Max hadn't yet discovered girls, and as his elder versions explained them to him, it flustered him so, that he lost all his cleverness. Soon the Maxes were little more than a lonely, lustful mob with no place to go. They floundered around a few decades, lamenting the loss of ladies, then vanished into the timeless stasis of extinction.