Thursday, April 20, 2006


It was worse at parties, when he tried to chat up someone, anyone. He discovered invariably that his verbal interaction was out of synch with the world around him.

"That's a nice dress you're wearing."

"I don't like Kafka."

"Well, it accentuates your shoulders."

"So, you're a laptop."

And so on. In fact it seemed that he and the others carried on different sides of different conversations. It wasn't fatal, because it was never all that important what he said, anyhow. No lives hung in the balance, except his own. And no one noticed there was fun to be missed in his conversations dangling like Harold Lloyd on a broken clock.

With no one to talk to he obsessed himself with the Internet. Not the chat rooms, no, because there he was only mistaken for a computer bug. He began meta-searches for the statements people said to him and found a cache of old soap opera scripts. It was all there. To the letter. He downloaded the massive files of throwaway words and learned by heart each syllable, practicing in front of the mirror until mastering the shallow nuances. Then he went back to the party.

"How would you like to read the Metamorphasis with me in a bed surrounded by cockroaches, a dish of chocolate covered ants and grasshopper wine to refresh us?"

"I don't like Kafka."

"I think my mind just crashed."

"So you're a laptop."

Story #355

Postscript: For all your scripting needs, please visit Drew's Script-o-Rama!

17 comments:

viruswitch said...

:)) That was funny!

Doug said...

"So you're a laptop" Too funny.

Seems pretty normal for a party conversation. Why does he feel strange?

Indeterminacy said...

Viruswitch: Thank you. My muse thought it was funny, too.

Doug: That's where my muse laughed. What parties have you been going to?

Jamie Dawn said...

Very funny, but I feel so sorry for the guy.
I'm afraid of what might happen if he attempted sign language.

Cocaine Jesus said...

i've often felt like a laptop that has been opened and closed once too often!
funny story. like it.

GPV said...

I suppose lots of persons might think you're writing about them.

dddragon said...

Upon consideration, he decided that the script from "Twin Peaks" would serve better:

"It's a pleasure. I've heard a lot about you."

"Why don't you folks have a seat. Make yourself at home. It's gonna be a while."

rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

a riot. "So, you're a laptop" must be out of it, never heard that one. was he wearing polyester?

Exquisite Chick said...

Thanks for the battle on BE.

Great blog you have here!

Paperback Writer said...

Where do you get your pictures?

I love it!

Indeterminacy said...

Wow am I behind in answering my comments! I'm surprised anyone is still reading after the strange stories I posted before this.

Jamie: They have braille interfaces for computers, but I guess that doesn't help him much.

Cocaine Jesus: Thanks for the blessing.

GPV: Actually what I wrote here was a sly reference to the type of work I do for a living.

DDDragon: Believe it or not, I never saw Twin Peaks. Those where the years before bittorrent, and consequently I missed all the great series being overseas. But I saw a short lived TV series that David Lynch did after T.P., about a 1950's TV station. That was cool.

Rev. Bob: You and Cocaine Jesus should get together. That would be a real riot!

Sarah: Thank you. I always lose to the ladies, but I don't mind.

Paperback Writer: I get all my photos via file-sharing programs. Most of what I post here is found using kazaa-lite, and a few via soulseek. Someone could just as well cruise through flickr and find photos there, I suppose.

catnapping said...

hehehee...too funny. good job.

The Mushroom said...

I hate to say it, but they look like the unfortunate victims of bad genetic code. Which is why they had to get married, I suppose. At least it isn't hard to pick their kids out at the playground.

ariel said...

ROTFL Indie!!! what a story. I loved it. I'm usually the same lost in converstaions I am trying to have with new people. I am going to go to a party tonight, hurry, hurry, show me the link!

Indeterminacy said...

Catnapping: Thank you very much. Your hillbilly haikus are totally cool. I'm linking it in my Haikum section. My people are from Kentucky.

Mushroom: But who wants to pick their kids out from the playground?

Ariel: My muse laughed at this one too. I didn't realize it was so funny. The scripts are all here:

http://www.script-o-rama.com/oldindex.shtml

ariel said...

thanks!

On The Rebound said...

If only you knew how my day was going. I was searching for one thing and I ended up here. Now you see how that might affect me!