Thursday, December 22, 2005


"Peace on earth, good-will to men." An astute reader noticed the words in a Christmas poem by one "Henry Wadsworth Longfellow," and notified the authorities. They examined pictures of Wadsworth. Long white beard. Thick moustache. No doubt about it. It was Santa. What's more, the man was a dangerous pacifist and an enemy to the State! Why else would he have all those aliases? Santa Claus, St. Nick, Kris Kringle. Word went out and the man immediately arrested. They kept him in a cell, solitarily confined for weeks. He lost lots of weight, but he never told where the elves were. It was decided finally to make an example of him.

They announced the event, to be held Christmas Eve. Everyone was there. Standing room only. Bigger than the Macy's Day Parade. The door to the field opened and Santa was led in. A hush embraced the entire audience of spectators with tension so thick you could cut it with a cookie cutter. They were throwing him to the reindeer! - wild, raging beasts that streamed onto the field through another door. When they saw his cheeks like roses and that red suit, they went berserk, charging towards him in a pack.

Santa may have been a pacifist, but he wasn't stupid. And that black leather belt meant something. It meant Judo. The first reindeer went down in a heap. The second tripped over the first. More rushed in and more crashed to the ground. Soon Santa was knocking them down faster than they could rise again. Downed, Dasher! Downed, Dancer! Downed, Prancer and Vixen! At last the reindeer could take no more and were away in a blitz, flying up out of the stadium, never to be seen again. It was a Christmas miracle! "Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa's jolly laugh rang through the stadium. The children went wild and swarmed to the fences to tell him their Christmas wishes.

Story #323

A very Merry Christmas, a Happy Chanukah, and a wonderful Holiday Season to all of you. Indeterminacy will be back in the New Year. Postscript: Last year's Christmas story is here.

Note: Persons of a non-English language cultural heritage may not recognize the references in the story to the classic Christmas poem "The Night Before Christmas." You can read the text of the original version here.

22 comments:

viruswitch said...

:)) Very nice and very very funny!!! :))


Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone!

Καλά Χριστούγεννα και ευτυχισμένος ο καινούργιος χρόνος!

Indeterminacy said...

Thanks Viruswitch. Glad you enjoyed the story. I wasn't sure how closely it was tied to contemporary American/English culture. I wish I knew what you wrote in Greek.

viruswitch said...

Its just the "merry christmas and a happy new year" wish in greek!

Indeterminacy said...

Viruswitch: I thought that's what it was ;-) Thanks.

The Mushroom said...

Silly PATRIOT-Act enforcement people, they shoulda known that Santa Claus is invincible. He defeated the Martians and has foiled other hinderances bring Christmas to the world every year.

Doug said...

Happy Holidays to Indie and family (including readers.) Good story to go out on. I always knew Santa could kick major reindeer butt if he needed to.

Jamie Dawn said...

Santa rules! Never underestimate that jolly elf.

Merry Christmas to you! I hope the remainder of the year is filled with lots of joy for you and your loved ones.

Alice: In Wonderland or Not said...

funny indie.

hapy holiday times

keep writing

santa should have his own religion

Enemy of the Republic said...

I agree. Santa should have his own religion. Merry Christmas to all you wonderful people on this great page!

Indeterminacy said...

Mushroom: I agree. Nothing can phase Santa.

Doug: I was going to post another Christmas story, but then I thought what you did. I'd like this story to remain on top until I start up again. Frohe Weihnacht to you, too!

Jamie: Santa rocks, too. And so does the entire Jamie Dawn´family. Merry Christmas.

Alice: Enjoy your holidays! All the best for you, your friends and family, and your great and relevant blog.

Enemy: Merry Christmas to you too - maybe I said it already at your blog, but here goes again.

A Little Bar of Soap said...

I see no mention of Jesus in your story. He is the Reason for the Season.

Indeterminacy said...

hi Little Bar: In mentioning the principles that Jesus taught it is not always necessary to mention his name.

Saheli said...

Santa may have been a pacifist, but he wasn't stupid. And that black leather belt meant something. It meant Judo.

Best. Line. Ever!

Happy Holidays!

Mrs. weirsdo said...

I think LBOS should consider this a parable retelling the moneylenders in the temple incident.
I was hoping for some barbequed venison at the end, though.
Oh well, there's always next year.
Happy holidays to you and yours.
Thanks for the stories and comments, and for putting up with Pansi's abuse.

alix said...

indie, all the best to you and your beloveds!
it's 7 minutes past midnight, and it's christmas, baby!
:::does happy dance:::
make merry!

my verify word is pronounced iddlepiepicky.
how cute is that? :)

happy christmas, indie...

The Mushroom said...

Normally I would ignore LBOS but I have something to add to the 'moneychangers' reference...

There was a "Christian" group a couple years ago which was morally opposed to Barney The Dinosaur... not the same group that hated the purple songster because there was a black man inside the costume, no, this group didn't like Barney because he advocated tolerance of others and loving thy neighbor. (I love you, you love me...) And all I could say was, "gee, just like their Lord did."

verification word: ommrg -- sounds like what I said when I read comments above.

canni said...

brilliant take on this jolly season! love it =)

LiVEwiRe said...

What a fun twist! I do hope your holidays are absolutely splendid! Thank you for the joy that you bring with your blog; I'm glad to have linked here so many months ago.

Jamie Dawn said...

I hope your Christmas was wonderful. I wish you a very Happy New Year!!!

DLAK said...

Jesus said Ho and Mary slapped his face.

ie said...

its been a while since i last visited this site, but the laughs i let out a while ago is indistinct to those i did the last i read your posts.

a very very very funny deconstruction.

happy holidays! =)

Doug said...

Happy New Year to the Indeterminacy family.